I've been thinking about something a lot lately, and I wonder how many others share my opinion.

The first collge I attended, in Fall 2005, was in a very, VERY small town in Kentucky. It was a tiny Christian school, and I admit that the only reason I went there was because I got a small basketball scholarship. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and there were certain things I liked about going to a Christian school (though overall, I hated the place and its rules and left after only a semester).

One of the things I hated most was the overwhelming attitude that women are worthless outside the home. When my peers discovered that I actually planned to USE the degree I was paying nearly $30,000 per year to obtain, they were flabbergasted. "But what about your husband?" They'd ask. "It's the man's job to make money. A woman shouldn't work! Who will do the cooking and cleaning? You can't work while pregnant or when you have children!" We actually had discussions in class where the guys talked about how they'd never stay with a woman who wanted to work, and the girls talked about how they would never voice an opinion to their husband or boyfriend: all decisions would be made by the man (whom they hoped to find and marry by their sophomore years). I was ostracized for thinking I had the right to work if I damn well pleased, and some of the comments from other girls were shocking to me. They told me that no man would ever want to be with such an ambitious woman. The worst part is, they really didn't think they were being insulting; they thought they were really helping me to "see the light".

The dress code at this school was very strict, but some of the girls, like my roommate, went overboard. She would get up around 5 for her 8 am class in order to shower, iron her skirt, do her hair and makeup, and make sure to look perfect....for one class...and then come back and go back to bed. It was very strange to me. It's fine to want to look nice, and she did. It just seemed excessive to me. Sure enough, my roommate met a guy that one semester I lived with her, and married him about 16 months later. She was a very nice girl, but she would sometimes make comments about the other girls in our dorm leaving their things in the common areas. She would talk about how lucky they were that guys weren't allowed in our dorms, and how they would never be capable of "taking care of a man"...because they'd leave a blanket or a textbook sitting on the table in the lounge. What? And to me...it's not my job to "take care of" my boyfriend/fiance/husband. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

I know that some of this is simply cultural. The people I went to school with were predominantly Conservative Southern Christians. Some of them talked openly about how they planned to have the kiss on their wedding day ("you may now kiss the bride") be their first kiss. That's fine if that's their choice; I'm just saying that they were unlike any people I'd ever met before. As an 18 year old Midwestern girl with strong opinions and high goals, I didn't know what to think. It was eye-opening.

My mom has worked full time her whole life. She'd take a short maternity leave when each child was born, but then she'd be back to work. She makes decent money (actually, more than my dad), and works very hard. My grandmother also worked full time for the majority of her life, starting before she finished high school. It was just never even a question to me IF I'd work full time. All of the women in my life do it, and that's just how it is for me. I thought that it was just because I'm from the midwest, but then I met my ex-boyfriend's family. They were the same way. Women were NOT allowed to work, except for maybe a few hours while the children were at school. The worst part was that all of the men in that family had terrible jobs...I'm talking working at a gas station for $8 or $10 until they became a "store leader" and made $11 or $12. They couldn't support their families on what they made, but they kept having children and the women would still never think of working, even if those children were in high school....even after they graduated (and the boys got jobs at the gas station like dad...) Many of the women had degrees...they just saw no reason to work...even when their homes were falling apart...but I'll get to more details of that family at another time.

I felt like such an outsider at that school, and only because I had a career goal and was actually interested in learning about my major. Don't get me wrong. I think that if a woman chooses to stay home with her children, that's completely fine. I think being a mother is probably the most difficult and rewarding job there is (I am not a mother yet, but I plan to be at some point). I just object to women being brought up to believe that staying home and doing housework or watching their children is the only thing they are allowed to do; the only place where they belong or have worth. These women were completely unprepared to take care of themselves. Many of them had never paid any of their own bills...never even paid for their own tank of gas. They planned to let Daddy pay for school so that they could meet a man to marry, and then that man could take care of them. That sounds condescending of me, but that's exactly what several of them told me. They thought that's just how life goes. I was astounded. Nobody has ever paid my cell phone bill....my parents gave me my first phone as a gift, and I immediately had to start paying for it. I've bought every phone I've had since then. I paid for half of my first car, and when that broke down, I paid my parents $5000 for my dad's car, which I still drive today (it's now 10 years old, but I'll have to wait until after graduation when I have a job and can buy my own new car). It doesn't seem possible that all of these girls came from uberwealthy families, so to me it's a little ridiculous to have a man pay all the bills for the whole family (and possibly settle for a much lower standard of living) when there is a perfectly capable, likely very intelligent and possibly degree-holding woman who could find something she enjoys, do it, and get paid.

What do you think?  

I am trying the blogging thing again because I feel like I really need to organize my thoughts. I am working on a memoir but there is too much in my head right now...I just can't focus and be productive with that right now, so my outlet is right here.

Tonight I have something specific on my mind. I have a friend whom I will call "James". We have been good friends for 6 years. He has wanted to date me for some time, but it was never like that for me, though we have always been close. When I was home around the 4th of July, James spent several hours one day driving around to different places across 3 towns in our area taking pictures of places that were supposed to have "meaning" to me and him, such as the first place he ever saw me. His plan was to send me to all of the places in the pictures and then be waiting for me at the end, but he realized that it would take way too long. So instead, he picked me up to go downtown and sprung the pictures on me while we were sitting in his car in the parking garage. He then proceeded to tell me that he was crazy about me, loved me, and was the right person for me, etc....you get the picture. This would all be moderately irritating, but fine, if I weren't in a serious relationship. I was irritated, but explained to him that I love my boyfriend, he loves me, and I am very happy. He said okay and wanted us to just continue with our plans for the night, so we did.  At the end of the night, he took me home and told me that he hoped he hadn't made anything awkward. I told him it was fine. I was a little irritated, but not a big deal. I had to appreciate his honesty and willingness to put himself out there, even if his timimg was poor.

A few days later, I texted him about something completely unrelated, and he came back with "you know I think you're dumb, right?" And we proceeded to have an hour-long argument by text message, during which he informed me that he was clearly the only person for me, that I was only with my boyfriend, Brad, because he was the first nice guy I saw after my last relationship ended, and that he'd had a bad feeling about him from the beginning. He also thought that my current boyfriend and last boyfriend were close friends (not true, they tolerate each other at best, and even then only when it is absolutely necessary), that I am incapable of being single (though I've been single for about half the time we've known each other), and that Brad is completely wrong for me (they've met once, for 5 minutes at most). He told me that he had to say something because no one else would step up and tell me when I'm making decisions that aren't good for me, even if it meant his self-destruction in my eyes. He kept saying that he hoped it would work out the way I wanted it to and that he would pray for me and just wanted to see me happy, but he knew it wouldn't work because he is the right person for me. When I told him that I was done arguing, he said to talk to him when I was ready and that in the meantime he would pray for me for the next couple of years.

I was furious. To me, he was disrespectful of me, Brad, and our relationship. He called me dumb and insulted my ability to make decisions. He made completely wrong assumptions and acted like a real asshole. I was also very very hurt. This guy has been one of my best friends for 6 years, and he has never once said anything to me at all like the things he said that night. He is very important to me and I have a lot of love for him. But now....I think our friendship might be over. I still can't belive he could say to me the things he said. I am very upset about this. The worst part is, he really doesn't know Brad. Brad treats me like a princess. In the (almost) year that we have been together, he has never so much as raised his voice to me. He is sweet and funny, and for the first time, I am in a healthy, happy relationship. My family loves him, and all of my other close friends love him too. Most importantly, I love him.

I have a very heavy heart because of this, but I really think that this ended my relationship with James. Thoughts?